|
[05 Sep 2009|01:53pm] |
Have I really not written anything of substance in six months? Geez! Epic fail.
Working in the library is still fantastic, convenient, and (rest assured) DUSTY. The building is under construction and sometimes I have to wear a hard hat while organizing books, which is both hilarious and somewhat reassuring, considering the building was deemed a 'death trap' last semester (for real, check it out.). Most days, I just listen to my music or audiobooks on headphones and shelve cart after cart of books ranging from the most delightfully obscure topics to classic pieces of literature with raw-edged pages and beautiful leather bindings. A few weeks ago, I numbered a 40+ volume series that was a gift to SFSU from the Chinese government. What? I LOVE MY JOB.
Goodness, I feel like so little and so much has happened, I don't even know where to begin. We've had many visitors over the summer, most recently, a magical weekend with Kris, Karin, and Ben. My computer is currently in the shop but might come back to me finally, actually fixed. A few weeks ago, after getting silly-drunk on his porch, I developed a sizely and obnoxious crush on a boy who lives near me. It's wildly inconvenient. Ummm, let's see... what else... I've been trying to finish things I start (like a journal entry? ha!) and have been compiling list after list in hopes that this will help me organize my life. So far the only task I've successfully completed is list-making. Whatever.
Ughh, I miss so many people that my heart literally feels heavy in my chest. Not that there isn't much to look forward to. I'm just a brat, is all.
Last night I watched Rocky Horror Picture Show and Empire Records with some friends from work. Now, I have an east bay date with the most handsome boy in the universe (Dean Collins, of course).
OH and I learned an exciting little bit of news that makes my heart SOAR!!! ahhhh but you can't know yet so don't even ask.
|
|
|
[25 Jun 2009|04:29pm] |
life is wacky and sometimes makes me smile real big.
|
|
|
[30 May 2009|12:35pm] |
8/08
|
|
|
[19 May 2009|11:28pm] |
Your damage lies in the corners of
jewelry boxes and
dust covered envelopes-
pregnant
with paper scraps
and past disappointments.
I rest comfortably
knowing
I knew it all
then.
|
|
|
[29 Apr 2009|02:27pm] |
i wish i could focus right now.
there's just so much going on, inside my head and out.
ughhhhhhhhh take me away!
|
|
|
[16 Apr 2009|03:23pm] |
Discerning reality has never been one of my strong suits.
I can analyze or
argue
with immense skill and prowess.
I can cook
and program electronics
and I’m great at alphabetizing-
spelling too.
Oh,
and if you need wallpaper removed,
I can do so with an ease and
dexterity,
the likes of which
(I promise) you’ve never seen.
My fingertips have built universes.
My face has ached
(from crying
and laughing alike) and
the skin on my knees have been
ripped and burned
because I’m also inordinately clumsy
and can
never
make up my mind.
And I don’t know what the fuck I feel
or why I do thing things I do.
And now that dreams have begun
bleeding
into my mornings,
it seems only appropriate and apparent and amusing to admit,
discerning reality has never been one of my strong suits.
|
|
|
[05 Mar 2009|09:27am] |
i am very cold at the moment. in case you were wondering.
otherwise, life has been appropriately hilarious, frustrating, delightful, grotesque, and comfortably inescapable.
time is moving far too fast lately, sometimes i struggle with keeping up. since i've last actually updated, there have been a few notable events. i went back to vista and fulfilled damn near every dream i had of the trip. it was, predictably, pure magic to get even those few days with dear, dear friends and adventures galore. hoorah! i even got to spend an evening with janie! fantastic.
upon my return, the city was full of sunshine. this lasted for several weeks and was truly glorious. school hadn't started yet, so i played with my accordion and made a collage using nutmeg, salt, and pepper as sand. it's still not finished. taylor came to visit me and we gallivanted about the city as best we could in the days allotted, although neither of us were satisfied so he might come back next month. the weather began to change at the end of january and since then it's been erratic or just plain annoying. (today, for example. i have no idea how to dress. it's the kind of sky that appears capable of both muggy, sticky heat AND freezing downpour. oh, san francisco.)
february feels like it lasted two weeks... maybe less. i had a magnificent birthday! bethany came to visit for my dance party. the party was FIRST CLASS. the awful weather caused several last minute cancellations, and i was quite concerned. but those of us in attendance danced fervently, crazily, and often times with my han solo cardboard cutout. we went nuts. AND i got awesome handmade birthday presents from the brilliantly creative girls i hang out with. bethany custom-made me an avocado green tote bag with a seal on it (he's balancing a ball on his nose!). and april made me the most adorable, charming earrings that made me squeal with delight.
OH, PLUS. chels and i got matching rebel alliance tattoos.
after my birthday, the past month becomes a big blur... i've spent most of my time either in class or with the girls, making delicious dinners, taking trips to the orbit room for bourbon & basils, wandering around the mission for hours, dinner, cigarettes, and drag queens at lila's apartment, and singing and/or dancing on basically every street we cross in san francisco.
oh! and leah came to visit again! and sequoia and kelly's show! that was absolutely glorious! andddd there was an enormous party at fort awesome, and kelly, schwarzey, and i spent a day with the rain and antiques and- hot damn! i swear, i have lovely pictures from most of the aforementioned events. i really do have this much fun.
|
|
|
[09 Feb 2009|11:37pm] |
|
it's my birthday and i just want to love everyone and everything. i feel special, also ridiculous, and i just want to smile as big as i can for the rest of my silly life. ughhh tara. you're pretty hilarious. SLASH SILLY AS HELL.
|
|
|
[09 Jan 2009|08:59am] |
|
i'm feeling so many things right now.
|
|
|
[19 Dec 2008|12:37pm] |
all i can think of is being at home. sleeping in my freezing cold room. going to churchill's, dominating the jukebox, and smoking more cigarettes than i care to count. sitting next to the cats and watching keith olbermann with my parents. dancing to the zombies while cooking in that well-stocked kitchen. visiting my (secret) favorite apartment in the universe. waking up to radiohead blaring from the garage below. and and homegrown weed and chocolate soy milk and max and penny and my mis-matched turquoise walls and the fucked up little window and double bottles of chardonnay and cold tile against my back and pacific coast highway and giggles and smiles and hugs hugs HUGS from krisjeantaylorkarinjessbenjason... just to name a few.
it's been damn near six months and i, quite honestly, NEED this. all of it.
|
|
|
[05 Dec 2008|12:54pm] |
i lost a huge chunk of photos in the complicated-computer-catastrophe of '08. HOPEFULLY, i will be getting that problem fixed soon. in the meantime, i have a few from july that i've been meaning to post for forever.
( my first 24 hours living in san francisco, including dean's post-birth shower )
in other news, i've been feeling inexplicably weird lately. but i'm sure it'll pass once we get a christmas tree.
|
|
|
[13 Nov 2008|10:19am] |
i've been feeling very sleepy in the past few days and am concerned about what this change means. the truth is, i've been up in my head even more than usual. this usually isn't a markedly "good" thing. eh, whatever.
but this past weekend really was a dream! after a few nights with natalie, tommy, and dean, we san franciscans had the joy of another visit from one ms. leah fukunaga. we had a blast! saturday, there were inconceivable amounts of champagne (some bottles cheaper than others). the bubbles turned to giggles in our bellies, rising up through our throats and echoing off various walls throughout the city. we ended the evening with delicious soup, dancing, and amy sedaris. perfect.
the next day, leah and chelsea spent some time at the academy of sciences. but since kelly works there and i, fearful of butterflies, refuse to go into the rainforest simulator, we instead opted to pop over to the de young. this was a faaaantastic decision. they have an expansive and exciting collection of american paintings, which is where a great deal of our time was spent. now i have my eye on both a poster of a diebenkorn painting i fell in love with, and a GORGEOUS rauschenberg book in the gift shop. on top of all this, we also saw the yves st. laurent exhibit (which left my jaw, quite literally, dropped) AND the exhibit on modern asian american art AND the masterfully stunning sculptural pieces by maya lin. geez! eventually finding chels and leah again in the aquarium (and grabbing josh on our way), we explored the west portal eateries that chelsea and i consistently dismiss as out-of-our-price-range. after maker's mark at the philosopher's club, we girls returned home to plentiful shots of lower-shelf whiskey. it was blissful! it was beautiful! it was quite a day!
anyway, i have disposable rolls of certain greatness but, it seems, not a goddamn dollar with which to develop them. last night i cooked a big dinner, kelly fought for her honor, and chelsea dyed schwarzey's hair. south park was amazing. this is how i spend my nights!
but secretly, all i want to do all day is sit in a park. maybe this weekend? yeah?
|
|
|
[29 Oct 2008|07:22pm] |
the past few weeks have felt oddly stressful. this could have a great deal to do with the fact that my computer suffered a terrible accident and, as of yet, will not turn on. being without a computer is especially devastating, as A) i'm in the middle of a semester in 2008, B) the old pen-and-paper just isn't conducive to my process, i write on computers! and C) all the photos from the past few weeks (including librafest) are sitting on that dead computer, never having been viewed on a legitimate screen. oh yeah, plus D) if my hard drive dies, i will have lost EVERYTHING i've written in the past year. however, entertaining this possibility causes me to have a panic attack, sooo i'm trying to hope for the best. you should do the same. please.
whenever chels and i have something exciting and/or dramatic to tell each other, we always end up doing so in the upstairs hallway. i've no idea why. usually one of us falls to the floor dramatically, and the other joins because... that's just how we are. sometimes we wake and bake, listening to our favorite old sarah mclachlan albums and playing wii. or else, we'll eat free croissants and share a quality, self-deprecating laugh about how we're 'so oppressed'. brilliant. now if only the cats would get along...
life is crazy and emotions can pose tedious obstacles. the weather has been fickle, but the city is eternally gorgeous and i find myself increasingly in love with market street before 8 AM. aghhhh, there's so much wrong in my silly head, but the ideas are there and sometimes i wonder how one heart can love so many people at once. this is one certain thing i have going for me.
for the record, i hate writing on paper because it leaves evidence of every stupid, ill chosen word. i prefer to hide behind the clean flexibility of a computer screen. like a tool.
|
|
|
[09 Oct 2008|06:02pm] |
lately, calendars have grown into a surreal landmark, of which i am alternately made proud or anxious. the enormous importance of this exact week in 2007 cannot possibly be overstated. was it really a year ago that i was such a guarded, fearful, desperate person? was it really a year ago that i fought even the most remote semblance of genuine desire or passion? could it have been a year ago that my most depressed, weak, helpless moment was thrown in my face with all the spite and carelessness that a nation between two people could facilitate? jesus, what a thought... was it just a mere twelve months ago that i was prepared to resign myself indefinitely to 'good-enough'?
the answer to all of the above is, "yes".
on this day in 2007, i was lying to most of my friends. kris, jean, and taylor were the only ones who knew that my five year relationship had ended. this secrecy was largely due to my debilitating shame- of my 'failure', of my depression, of needing people instead of being the needed. at that time in my life, there was very little about which i was even remotely honest; asserting a pulled-together facade was like breathing for me. then, i'd hide from the world and think the most terrifying of thoughts, or else attempt to convince myself that i wasn't a human (because how could i possibly be?) and try to find solace in my distance from and indifference toward mankind. it was easily and without question the darkest point of my entire existence. never, ever could i have believed that there was any coming back from that kind of emptiness. how could i? how could anyone?
i was fucked up and broken, and that was never the ex's fault. this is important to note. but i will never forget the last conversation we had as a couple, wherein i cried to him and confessed my paralyzing hopelessness. i admitted that it had been many years since i had felt even a flicker of self-worth, and told him plainly that he was only one of two people who knew the devastating depth of my perpetual sadness.
so when he told me that it was for those same, desperate confessions that he could no longer be with me (and, six days before my long-planned trip, essentially forbade me from going to new york), it would have been seamless and easy to slip into an even more uncontrollable state. and most of me wanted to be that- a creature, wronged and mortified, crushed under the weight of circumstance and the choices of others. but instead (and here's where it gets interesting) i made the conscious effort with everything in me to be better. my dearest friends held me, gave me all the love i thought i'd never feel again, and i can never, ever forget the night that kris slept on the couch next to me in a resolute refusal to leave me alone. that night will remain, firmly, as the night in which i understood how deeply my spirit was adored by others. those hours cemented my value as a human, and nothing but. tara brown was no longer an alien, but a person- one loved and understood by a member of her own species. it was that night, i swear to fucking god, that changed everything for me. everything.
because that's all it took. i awoke, inundated by the pure and passionate concern of those who cared for me, even in my most detestable and inconsolable hours. as if a switch had been flipped in my previously unshakable and desolate mind, the light of the sun began to seep through my skin, and it only seemed natural that i ride on the unfamiliar wave of positive spontaneity to wherever it dared to bring me.
the day i would have returned from new york, i instead ran away to disneyland with taylor and shauna. we smoked cigarettes in the car and listened to otis redding as i let the whipping wind hold my head in the current of its unrivaled, brilliant power. at ten pm that same night, jess and chels picked me up from a gas station parking lot. we flew up the coast, arriving on natalie’s doorstep at four in the morning, having hardly slept for days. just over twenty four hours later, the house was brimming with faces for whom i ache with love. i’ll never forget standing in the hallway, drunk off innumerable gin and tonics, the muscles in my face throbbing from uncontrollable, gleeful smiling. the night was revolutionary. my friends had a fantastic evening; i had a moment of clarity.
in such a small amount of time, i've experienced joys and heartaches and shocks and comforts, the likes of which i had previously deemed unattainable. i've grown infinitely stronger, and alarmingly more resolute, in the concept of tara brown as a human worth the care and efforts of others. furthermore, i've begun to see myself as a nurturer to the figures i hold dearest in my life. who would have guessed? chelsea calls me a "rock" to my family and friends, and i've come to adopt the term with appropriate responsibility and pride. it's refreshing, frightening, and natural... all at the same time.
oh, and it was because of the monumental breakup that i had my unused plane ticket the day dean was born. that ticket, originally booked for the week dean was likely conceived, carried my mother to natalie and my nephew and the most important moment of any of our lives.
there's really nothing to do but smile when i think of where this year has taken me. i've got my dean (healthy and happy), my dearest and most devoted friends, and a grasp on my self which is both grounded and dreamy at the same, delightfully simultaneous time. i have so much more to do, so much more to learn, but it is safe to assume that 2008 will go down as one of the most crucial and celebrated years of my life. hoo-mothafuckin-rah. and YES. YES! yes.
|
|
|
[22 Sep 2008|04:52pm] |
these are from several months ago. they're also SOLID GOLD. or maybe it just feels that way, because the day itself was perfection.
( a day at the fair! )
there were 2 strips of pictures that were supposed to accompany this, but i soooorta misplaced them in the move. i find this especially heartbreaking, as they were AMAZING.
shit, i'm off work! gotta go.
|
|
|
[19 Sep 2008|12:17am] |
honestly,
i never know what to say on here anymore. summarizing my days seems boring. the weird shit i write on my own is boring (and heartily self-indulgent). talking about how my life is going well, how i love my sisters but miss my friends, and how i'm trying to constantly keep learning... it's all pretty goddamn boring. conclusion: i'm boring?
ughhh, ask me something. or tell me something. inspire me! because otherwise, it's all just kitty cats, dance parties, and the occasional charming gay boy.
yeahhh, i probably love you. mhmmm. let's chat. please.
|
|
|
[10 Sep 2008|02:24pm] |
i have a super enormous crush on orson welles. did you know this?
( it's true )
who is your random/most comical/most embarassing/BEST crush?
yeah, mine would have to be a tie between keith olbermann, brian williams, and obviously, orson welles
|
|
|
[08 Sep 2008|12:16am] |
friday i went dancing with cake, chels, and schwarzey. got free drinks at the beauty bar from a strange man who made me feel uncomfortable. danced to 90's hip hop and MGMT. felt a pronounced aching in the absence matthew, but shook my ass to release the pain. hoorahhhh.
last night, i made quiche and we watched michael's pirated collection o' nostalgia. i felt many things and didn't write about them, but it was okay and i can smile to myself anyway.
today, i held dean and danced with him. i cooked dinner for naty and tommy and then drank beers alone in a pleasant bar with a handsome bartender. now i want to dance, or else craft, and am going to pack a fat-fluffy bowl.
the apartment is getting gorgeous. there is joy in my heart (but anxiety as well). things are crazy and i'm employed and i can't wait, oh i CAN'T WAIT, till i get a grip of girlies visiting from the south. i've been laughing and showing off accordion skills lately. i'm also drunk and want to hug everyone i know. OHHHHHHHHHHHH, life.
|
|
|
[26 Aug 2008|10:01am] |
school starts today! i'm taking: anthropology of blackness, early 20th century american poetry, feminist theory, and finally, art and american culture. HELL YESSSSS!!!!!
i want to write about all the things that have been happening, but there's just so goddamn much! dean is wonderful, i've got some delightful new friends, ani is a snuggle bug, and i might go out tonight for little mermaid sing-a-long with the fabulous ms. schwarzey. oh! also, i heard radiohead in the park on friday. for free!
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO WEAR, but other than that i'm pretty calm for my first day at a new school. ol' tara brown isn't as predictable as we all thought, eh? yes. hoorah.
now, to find a shirt!!!
|
|
|
[29 Jul 2008|09:20pm] |
i have had two falls recently, both resulting in bloody shins (but never any band-aids!)
last week, my dad took us out to a supremely fancy dinner, then giggled at chelsea’s “gandalf pipe” and told me about his crazy experiences seeing the beach boys in various, drug-induced states. i feel closer to my family than ever, which is strange but nice. daniel, who is moving in a matter of weeks, got in a serious car accident last week but is fine. jenn talks often about an impending marriage to her high school sweetheart, and seems more genuinely excited about her world than she has been in many years. dean remains my favorite thing to look at. sometimes life overwhelms me, but i try to remind myself that there’s nothing to be done but remember to keep breathing. so, i do.
on saturday night, the new home was filled with nine drunken “musicians” and we recorded several songs in my empty-other-than-a-tower-of-boxes dining room. i played my accordion (and was greatly flattered by the praises i received, hoorah!) and sang in a few songs. i also made some really neat new friends! check it out. try to find the parts where i’m audible.
despite the great occurrences i’ve been witness to lately (INCULDING another trip to cornerstone- swoon!), i miss my girls back home something fierce. it’s been an amazing privilege, having that incredible, tight-knit, supportive, joyful, and ALWAYS drama-free group of girl friends. we were a set, and i feel a bit lonely without the unit. but i have my chels! plus, librafest fast approaches, and i will embrace each and every one of my girls with such enthusiasm and fury that they will know the full breadth and depth of my adoration.
oh, plus jason is coming up in a few weeks, and i’m stooooooked!!! yes. come gather, BFFs, that i may feed you and show you a good time. also, we will have adventures.
MATTHEW DIDIER, i want to savor every day left with you. this is a formal announcement. tell me where you’ll be so i can be there.
and, i want to watch newsies.
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
ch_ch_changes's journal
